So Many Changes In So Little Time

Dear Friends and Family; our village of support, With autumn around the corner, the changes that come with this season are beginning to appear. Pumpkins scattered about the county, mums popping up, crisp mornings, falling leaves; need I say more?!!! Goodbye sunny, pale-skin scorching, summer days; hello fall! But unlike any autumn we’ve ever experienced, this season has brought with it a dense fog of emotions and trials that Mom and the entire family has yet to experience in this cancer journey. It has only been a mere 24 days since the last update was posted. Many things have unfolded in this three week span besides the welcomed and ever amazing transformation of seasons. Mom completed what became her final infusion treatment. After watching her only worsen following the one prior, it was suggested by the doctor and understood by mom and the family that the time had come to cease all treatment; a shift was made to focus on Mom’s comfort.

This alteration prompted the services of in-home hospice care. At which point I need to take a moment to say that Hospice is as amazing as everyone says they are. They are incredible at what they do, and we are so grateful for them. It’s not been easy, but Mom has been brave. This transition has been more than difficult for her and all of us. But unfortunately for mom, her declining mind hasn’t helped her to be able to grasp and process her emotions properly concerning the matter.

The tumor has stolen from her a level of understanding along with her wit, humor, and joy and replaced it with confusion, irrationalness, sadness, rage and moments of emotionlessness. On top of this, she no longer has control of the entire right side of her body. Even her precious smile, which in the most recent days has been absent, is altered on the one side. But a crooked mouth is nothing compared to the devastation that has set in due to her inability to walk. Her shiny metal walker that has been her trusty companion for a majority of the past two years has now been forced into retirement. It has gone from aiding her on countless strolls through the house to becoming her just-as-trusty, stationary side table. Along with this adjustment, a hospital bed has replaced the loveseat where we would sit by mom’s chair and chat with her. Chatting with her...that’s been anything but ordinary. Her ability to communicate has become increasingly limited. And it’s not that she has nothing to say; she has plenty to say! But she is lacking the ability to do so. More often than not, we don’t know what she is trying to convey. But one of the most devastating things of it all is that she is so aware; so aware of her needs, opinions, and desires and very much longs to share them (what woman doesn’t?!). But she literally can’t and to say this is beyond infuriating is an understatement. Some of you may be wondering if she is in pain. She is beginning to experience some discomforts. Her skin is very fragile and her right arm in particular is unrecognizable because of the many skin tears and bruises. This causes her the most discomfort among a few other pains here and there from various causes. So she isn’t pain free but it is manageable right now. So many changes in so little time, but one thing has gone unchanged. Our hope in the Lord. Even though mom and the rest of us seem to be trapped in this dense fog of life right now, our sights are clearly focused on God. He is our rock and our redeemer. And Mom is the one who has been sure to convey this truth to every hospice employee that has walked into her home. She has been able to share that she has complete faith in God and He will take care of her. This was of course in her special way of motioning and articulating only a couple words, but because she has been so quick to share this before, it is something we know that she is thinking and “saying” in these moments.

I don’t share all these details with you in hopes of a grand, Groff family pity party or to leave you uncomfortable wondering what you are supposed to say in response to all this. (Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you to say. How’s that for help?!) Rather, I share all this because you are on this journey with us and this road we are currently traveling. And knowing that you are thinking of us and praying for us is more than we could ask; we so appreciate your prayers.

Specifically pray that we would have peace, patience, and endurance as Mom’s caretakers. For Mom, please pray for her to feel God’s peace; unexplainable peace! And because we have a God that at any moment has the ability to heal mom, we continue to pray for complete restoration. This is her prayer as well.

“To live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

“I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.” Psalms 59:16

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand” Psalm 73:23

Blessings to you all,

~Jenna